Do you like my writing? Does this have potentional to be a book?
As Chloe began typing an answer, Giselle’s light blue Punch Buggy pulled up in front of Starbucks and double-honked obnoxiously. Chloe exhaled in gr...
As Chloe began typing an answer, Giselle’s light blue Punch Buggy pulled up in front of Starbucks and double-honked obnoxiously. Chloe exhaled in gratefulness as she snapped her Motorola shut with a vivacious snap. She had never been more thankful for having Giselle, her smarter, sexier, more popular sister. But trust me, all that was about to change. Chloe stared up into the stormy gray clouds with splashes of lime green blotches and shared her smile with god, “thanks” she whispered serenely. The whirl of grey and sea green splotches melted into the perfect storm. Chloe brought her glossy gold cross around her neck to her lips, giving it a heartfelt kiss.
Chloe walked up to the car and yanked open the front door,
“AHHH!” She shrieked as she jumped back. Surprise flickered behind Chloe’s blue eyes like Laura Vallon Crème Brulee pillar candles.
“What the hell is he doing here?” Chloe frantically demanded. She covered highly glossed mouth once she realized she appeared to be PMSING. Nevertheless, all fourteen year olds have a slight attitude at some point in their day, its called puberty. Andy sat in shotgun, squeezing Giselle’s diamond-coated hand as she re-checked her flawless reflection in the rearview mirror. Andy was Giselle’s lovesick boyfriend who was all over her curvaceous body every single chance he had; specifically since freshman year when he asked her to dance at Snowball, she never left his arms since. They slept together, ate together, studied together, went to movies together, drank coffee together, and have even shared each others clothes at one point. Neither of them could turn up anywhere alone without someone questioning “Where is he? Or, where is she?” As if its totally impossible they could spend five minutes apart.
This isnt the beginning of my story idiots, if you honestly thought that i ponder your mental health condition
You reviewed mine, so I’m returning the favor. Sorry if I’m a little harsh. Don’t take it to heart.
Where are your paragraphs girl? LOL You need some of those in here.
You’re grammar could use some touch ups and I feel that you’re telling me your story, instead of showing me it. I don’t like lots of your descriptions, especially the thing about Laura Vallon Creme Bruelee pillar candles… what the hell are those? You need to incorporate description the reader will understand
As for the story itself, you need an attention grabbing beginning. You didn’t have my attention, but I read for the sake of reviewing. Your character voice is weird to…. she was PMSING? LOL Makes me think of a whole other meaning.
This kind of story isn’t my type anyways. Oh well, touch up a couple of things and way to go! Good luck and keep writing girl <3
well its okay it does need work
~~~Scooby-Doo~~~
I’m a bit confused.. If this is only part of a story that you took from a large chapter,then I say the concept is great,and your grammar is definitely great. But if this is how the story starts out suddenly,I think you should have the character ponder in some stuff before something suddenly happens in the blue leaving the reader perplexed. I mean,if that is how the story starts you should maybe explain to the reader why is she typing,what is she typing[It seemed to be text.],why she was at starbucks,ect.. But I think you have some really great potentional. But if you already have dozens of pages written down already and hyped to get it published,I suggest first either getting a editor or sitting down and making sure the grammar,spelling,ect.. Is all good and fine for the publisher. Because even the greatest of authors need editing,spelling,beta-reading ect.. Good luck,and hope you are successful!