Who lights the unity candle at my wedding if my mother has passed and I am not close to my step mother?

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I have a sticky situation, I am to have a unity candle at my wedding and usually the two mothers light the candle. My mother died when I was a teenager and my step mom and I are not close, is it required to still have her light the candle (just to nice) or should I ask my father? Or what if there is another woman in my life who I look at as a mother figure? Also again it’s been almost 10 years since my mothers passing, is there an way to incorporate her memory in the wedding?

Comments

  1. Wifeforlife says:
    December 4, 2009 at 2:46 am

    first, unity candles are just a passing fad and, if it causes you concern, you don’t have that done. Second, this is a ceremony to unite families and it doesn’t need to be the mothers. I’ve seen where moms and dads and sisters and brothers all got up there (kind of a zoo, though). You could have the fathers do it as heads of their families, or the youngest sibling of each of you. If you have sisters and brothers as MOH and Best Man, they could do it. Or grandparents. Or Godmothers. I have also seen where the two side candles burned through the ceremony after being lit originally by an altar boy and then the bride and groom united them after the ceremony. You have loads of options if you really want that ceremony. Just be sure to think long about it. A ceremony is only beautiful if it is meaningful and full of love. If, by having his mom and your dad, or his mom and someone other than your stepmom do it, there will be hurt feelings and it is just not worth it.

  2. patron on ice says:
    December 4, 2009 at 2:46 am

    maybe you shouldnt do the unity candle
    just to avoid insulting people.

  3. mepeachysweet says:
    December 4, 2009 at 2:46 am

    It is your "DAY" easily the most important day of your life.
    It’s your wedding, you invite whom ever your heart desires to light the candle. I would explain to my dad and step-mother that you have a someone else in mind to light the candle. This way she isn’t caught off guard. Congratulation! God Bless you on your wedding day.

  4. sheloves_dablues says:
    December 4, 2009 at 2:46 am

    What about your maternal grandmother? Or a sister or aunt?

    In reality, your step-mom IS your mother figure. You don’t have to be close to honor her this way. It doesn’t take away from your deceased mother.

  5. Kat says:
    December 4, 2009 at 2:46 am

    I thought the bride and groom lighted the unity candle? Well if not that is what my fiance and I are doing we will both have one candle each and then light the big one to signify our unity into a married life.

  6. nessascorpio says:
    December 4, 2009 at 2:46 am

    place a photo of your mom on the table with the unity candle in a pretty frame and have whomever was a mother figure to you (no just a stepmother and real motherly person) after that light it for her (your mom)

  7. Another Nickname says:
    December 4, 2009 at 2:46 am

    Just skip the family part of the unity candle and have you and your hubby light one together.

  8. ruddy_scot says:
    December 4, 2009 at 2:46 am

    I thought the bride and groom lit the unity candle after being handed the taper style ones by the mothers. That’s how my husband and I did it. We had the father’s light the tapers then hand to the moms and his mom handed hers to me and my mom handed hers to my husband then we lit the unity candle ourselves. You can have your father do this or have a close aunt or grandmother or other figure. The unity candle is all about the joining of two families, it doesn’t have to be done by the mothers.

  9. VCW says:
    December 4, 2009 at 2:47 am

    I would ask your father to light it.

  10. D4Pres2012 says:
    December 4, 2009 at 2:47 am

    ug, the unity candle is so sappy. why do you need to do it? if you MUST have it, then your stepmom and your fiance’s mom will light it. it’s to blend the 2 families or something. or why don’t you just have the officiant light a candle at the beginning of the ceremony and say it’s in memory of your mother.

  11. Vashti says:
    December 4, 2009 at 2:47 am

    My choices:

    1. Ask the mother figure in your life
    2. Ask a grandmother to do it
    3. Ask your dad to do it

    You can incorporate your mom’s memory in the wedding program.

  12. Darlene L says:
    December 4, 2009 at 2:47 am

    I did not do a unity candle, but instead we did an exchange of a rose.
    My husband’s mom died eight weeks before we got married and he had a favorite aunt who means a lot to him so I gave her a red rose and he handed my mom a red rose.
    I would definitely ask whoever you feel comfortable with

  13. My Three says:
    December 4, 2009 at 2:47 am

    I did a wedding were the groom’s mother died years before he got married so the seat in the church where the mother of the bride would sit he placed a white rose on the seat and it was very nice.

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